A Confession of my Passionate Love for Grimes

By: Danny Geisz | January 3, 2020

Project: #Life

Grimes, or Clare, or c, or whatever the heck she wants to be called is really just the coolest kid in school. For simplicity, I shall heretofore refer to her by her common artist name, Grimes. If for some god-forsaken reason you are not incredibly familiar with the life and masterful works of Grimes, then I can assure you that your time would be much better spent listening to even a single song Grimes has produced than continuing to read this post. In fact, if you don’t know Grimes, I urge you to spend the next 30 minutes doing the following:

  1. Listen to Grimes’s top three songs on Spotify. If you are at all like me, you might think to yourself, “This really isn’t my favorite. It’s quite experimental, and her voice is honestly kinda annoying because it’s so recklessly high.” While I understand this sentiment, I entreat you to power through to step 2 in an effort to achieve Grimesacle enlightenment.
  2. Spend ~10 minutes shamelessly combing through the internet for any and every detail about Grimes and Elon Musk’s romantic involvement. Because I’m such a Basic Betty, like everyone else in my academic demographic, I too have a raging man-crush on Elon Musk. I would be lying if I didn’t admit that I feel compelled to love Grimes because Elon does, but I will assert that this is not the foundation for my wild, hot-blooded feelings for Grimes. Do mosey on over to step 3.
  3. Watch anywhere between 3 and 5 interviews of Grimes on YouTube. This is really when I began to truly fall into deep, inescapable love with her. Not only is Grimes inherent good, but literally every time she opens her mouth, she shows an understanding of humanity and our interaction with reality that I have rarely, rarely witnessed in anyone. I certainly hope you see this as well so that we can both be in love together.
  4. Listen to Violence, and then read the meaning of the song on Genius. This is really the nail that sealed the coffin of my adoration of Grimes’s mind (I recognize that the possessive form of Grimes should probably be Grimes’, but I really like the idea of pronouncing Grimes’s like Grimeses). It isn’t necessarily the meaning of the song itself that I find so compelling, but rather the fact that Grimes’s purpose for the song is entirely different than I suspected based on her lyrics. And yet, if you actually followed step 3 and watched the assigned interviews, you will know just as well as I do that Grimes is incredibly intentional with her choice of lyrics. This fact absolutely transformed the way I perceive the song, which in turn transformed the way I perceive Grimes herself.

If you followed my patent-pending quick-and-easy four step process for falling in love with Grimes, and you have not yourself fallen in love with Grimes, I can only recommend that you take a moment by yourself in a dark room to genuinely ask yourself if you’ve entirely lost touch with your sense of humanity. Perhaps you have. If you find yourself to be one such emotionally-challenged specimen, please send me an email. I am deeply interested in what may have happened in your life that has so robbed you of feeling that you are unable to innocently fall into a deep passionate love for a random Canadian Artist you’ve never heard of.

I suppose that if you are actively married or in what my junior high teachers would refer to as a “dating relationship,” you are probably a bit apprehensive about purposefully trying to fall in love with a different person than your significant other. I understand your concern, but let me humbly submit that your situation actually gives rise to an interesting opportunity. Have your significant other go through my patent-pending quick-and-easy four step process for falling in love with Grimes. Now then, it is likely that you both are trying to hide your deep, romantic, passionate love for Grimes from one another to prevent each other from becoming jealous (or whatever feeling someone develops upon learning their significant other has romantic feelings for someone else). While it may be difficult, let me urge you both to share your feelings towards Grimes with one another. This conversation, while potentially difficult, will actually bring you both closer by uniting you both together under a common, powerful, mutual emotion for a girl you both will likely never meet.

Now then, since I have solved the “significant other” issue, you, dear reader, should have at this point allowed yourself to embrace a love for Grimes that you should hopefully recognize as entirely inevitable. Given that is the case, I believe my work here is done. Hasta la vista, mis amigos.